sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
