chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
