You can't motorboat a personality
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
