my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize