i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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