So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Someone shattered a urinal.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
