I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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