I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
its not stalking. its research.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
This house was built for laser tag.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
