you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
