The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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