I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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