Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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