Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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