did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
