Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
