he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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