Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
