Sry I called you an 8
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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