I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
