DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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