Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
The ass gains better be worth it
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