They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize