So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
