She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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