I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
