i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
This house was built for laser tag.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
