I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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