It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
