Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
