I think I am morally bankrupt
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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