My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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