FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
