My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Less talking, more tequila
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
