Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize