so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
