I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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