so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
