I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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