We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
