I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
