The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
