Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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