there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
