His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
