I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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