That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
