We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
