Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
