I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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