you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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