I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
