Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
