I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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