Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
