Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
