does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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