she kept yelling 'call me bella'
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My ass is underappreciated
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
