I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize