I showed him my bush... on skype.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
tell me about the fingering
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