I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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