Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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