god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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