Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
