I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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